Love your ex

It is OK to love your ex – many will tell you not to, and in fact most of us want to hate our exes because it makes the pain of separation easier to bear.

But, if we fall into the hatred and anger there is a chance we won’t come out of it. Or if we do, we will be substantially changed and might not find our way back to ourselves.

Remember, whether we choose to believe that we ended up with our former partners out of love, the promise of good things and beliefs, or whether we just want to accept that it was some kind of madness, a mixture of lust and longing, of wanting something more than we had before they were on our scenes, we did choose them. And we actively went into sharing some of the precious time of our lives with them.

Regardless of why it ended, if we get locked into the message of hate, of loss and despair we are likely to forget the good times, the things we enjoyed and the happy moments (few and far between though they might seem).

It is easy to forget that at one time we shared hopes, dreams and common goals with them and that we shared energy, drive and determination in working towards achieving these things. It is easier to focus on what the failures were, rather than where the successes (full or partial) lay.

Obviously there are relationships that have truly changed who we are and our experiences mean that we will never go back to the bright eyed and innocent dreamers we once were. The plus side is we have gained a whole lot of new insights into our strengths, resilience and ourselves as well as a deeper understanding of relationships.

Staying with the bad stops us honouring the good, and worse, it can keep us locked into the belief that we have wasted our life.

So, whom does it pay to stay with the hurt, frustration, anger and pain?

PR: wait... I: wait... L: wait... LD: wait... I: wait... wait... Rank: wait... Traffic: wait... Price: wait... C: wait...

Handling the kids

Children can find it very difficult when their parents divorce.  

How they react, and what they do is as much an expression of how they feel about themselves, their situation, their relationships with each parent, siblings, friends, their peer group and other adults and children around them, as it is about their age, maturity and what they understand about what is going on.  It can be related to what they think are the causes of the marriage breakdown, and what other children in their social and school/work/ religious networks have experienced - whether the situations are the same or not.

It is quite possibly harder for children if they are on their own, but even if they have siblings, each child will react and respond differently so be prepared for "anything goes".

Children might believe they need to protect or defend one parent from the other, they might feel that they have to take sides, prove their love or just get stuck in being confused about the whole thing.

They might not be able to identify what they are feeling, let alone understand it or know what to do about it.  So, they might display unusual behaviour and "act out" - do things that are inappropriate or out of character for them.

Some things to do:

• Try to be patient and allow them some space if they need it.
  
• Let them know that you love them and think of them - even if you can't be with them as much as you want.
  
• You know them best, and know how they react and respond to stress and difficult situations - so be aware of what they might need to do.
  
• Listen to them without judgement.  Let them sound off if they need to (it is a sign that they trust you), but set limits on aggression and unacceptable behaviour.  
  
• Let them feel safe with you - they are probably struggling with this as much as you are (possibly more).
  
• Talk to them about finding other people they might want to talk with - in case they feel uncomfortable talking about some things with you.
  
• Remember that you are the adult - not them - and you might need to put your "stuff" to the side to help them deal with their "stuff".
  
• Allow them to love the other parent - they are a product of both of you, and their environment - let them know and love all parts of who and how they are.
  
• Try not to bad mouth the other parent - keep adult issues at adult level.
  

Remember - children's love is not a divorce trophy - don't try to "win" it.

What to do when things go wrong

We've all been there... 

Had the conversation that shouldn't have come out the way it did, had the look on our face no-one else should have seen (and definitely not our ex or his/her best friend or our kids)...

But it has.

And now we are stuck with the fall out - and how to contain it.  The fall out is a mixture of our own feelings- guilt, stupidity, blame, relief (we really did want them to know, didn't we?) and remorse, and an awareness that we have to DO SOMETHING.  

We have to move forward and we know the next conversations are critical, difficult and the last thing we want to do or think about, but knowing the best thing to do and doing it are different things...   

So, how do we manage?  The quickest way is to hide - to pretend that it didn't happen and that maybe they didn't notice.  Sometimes this works, but is probably better to acknowledge the proverbial elephant in the room and talk about it.  

Some quick steps and ideas to help:

• Notice how you feel, what we did and if possible, understand what led up to this.
  
• Accept that what you did and how you feel is OK.  It is in the past so you can't change it anyway.
  
• Decide where you want to go with this - what is important to you, and to the other key people involved.
  
• Consider what we could and "should" do - how does that sit for you and for others?
  
• What are the costs and consequences of each option you have considered?
  
• Which option is the best for your most desirable results?
  
• How can you make it happen - what do you need to do, who do you need to talk to?  Do you need to rehearse your speech, get some alternative ideas and if so, from whom?
  
• What is the best timing for you and others to achieve your goals?
  

Then - Do It!

Welcome

My background is that I grew up with my parents' acrimonious divorce and am now divorced myself.

My "uncomfortable" childhood, filled with my parent's pain, anger and frustration meant that I was determined to live through my divorce differently.

Yes it was tough - divorce is, but I can now sit at the same table as my former husband and his new wife and discuss things to do with life, our son, his parent etc and not have trouble.  Even more, we can demonstrate to our shared former friends that it is OK to talk with both of us.

This blog is to assist people going through divorce to realise that life continues despite the pain and that there are some practical suggestions to help you get through the tough stuff.

I hope you find this helpful and I look forward to your comments and suggestions.