Handling the kids

Children can find it very difficult when their parents divorce.  

How they react, and what they do is as much an expression of how they feel about themselves, their situation, their relationships with each parent, siblings, friends, their peer group and other adults and children around them, as it is about their age, maturity and what they understand about what is going on.  It can be related to what they think are the causes of the marriage breakdown, and what other children in their social and school/work/ religious networks have experienced - whether the situations are the same or not.

It is quite possibly harder for children if they are on their own, but even if they have siblings, each child will react and respond differently so be prepared for "anything goes".

Children might believe they need to protect or defend one parent from the other, they might feel that they have to take sides, prove their love or just get stuck in being confused about the whole thing.

They might not be able to identify what they are feeling, let alone understand it or know what to do about it.  So, they might display unusual behaviour and "act out" - do things that are inappropriate or out of character for them.

Some things to do:

• Try to be patient and allow them some space if they need it.
  
• Let them know that you love them and think of them - even if you can't be with them as much as you want.
  
• You know them best, and know how they react and respond to stress and difficult situations - so be aware of what they might need to do.
  
• Listen to them without judgement.  Let them sound off if they need to (it is a sign that they trust you), but set limits on aggression and unacceptable behaviour.  
  
• Let them feel safe with you - they are probably struggling with this as much as you are (possibly more).
  
• Talk to them about finding other people they might want to talk with - in case they feel uncomfortable talking about some things with you.
  
• Remember that you are the adult - not them - and you might need to put your "stuff" to the side to help them deal with their "stuff".
  
• Allow them to love the other parent - they are a product of both of you, and their environment - let them know and love all parts of who and how they are.
  
• Try not to bad mouth the other parent - keep adult issues at adult level.
  

Remember - children's love is not a divorce trophy - don't try to "win" it.